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Hi, I’m Sandra Larson, and as you probably know, my husband and I started this site nearly ten years ago and we have been professional sex toy reviewers ever since. I/we know a lot about sex toys, and we also know that sex toys can be part of a healthy and happy relationship.
Unfortunately, we also know from our readers and other folks who we have worked with that some people are deeply uncomfortable if their partners are interested in sex toys. We’re going to address a few of these issues below.
1. Fear of Replacement
This is probably the most common concern. Nobody wants to think that they will be “replaced” by an electronic device. And to some extent, we can understand why this is a worry; after all, no penis vibrates at 5000 RPM and no vagina has nearly as much internal texture as a TENGA egg.
People worry that they aren’t enough for their partners, or even that they’re bad in bed. But the truth is that good sex is much, much more than targeted stimulation. Toys don’t have a shared history, toys don’t know your favorite pizza toppings, toys don’t celebrate with you when you’re happy or comfort you when you’re not.
Within a healthy relationship, you are the captain and sex toys are your teammates, not your rivals. (And if your relationship is not so healthy, that’s what you should be concerned about.)
2. Embarrassment and Social Baggage
We know that there is quite a bit of stigma around sex toys in general. There are quite a few folks (and this includes folks who like sex toys themselves!) who think that sex toys are for people who can’t get dates or spouses. If this was the case, Dakota Johnson and Harry Styles wouldn’t be loud and proud about their own sex toy lines!
It’s hard to overcome years or decades of social conditioning. But sex toys are part of self-care and wellness for many adults, and nobody should be embarrassed about taking care of themselves in whatever ways they want and need to. Is it embarrassing to buy a fancy blender to make smoothies at home? Is it embarrassing to pay for a pickleball paddle? It is not. And it should also not be embarrassing to handle other aspects of our well-being.
3. Fear of Being Rejected or Judged
It’s not always easy to be vulnerable, and suggesting something new can feel very vulnerable. You may worry how your partner will react if you ask to incorporate toys into your sex life, or if your partner becomes aware that you enjoy a vibrator during solo play.
We hope that you are in a relationship where your partner is kind and supportive; if you are not, that’s a larger issue than sex toys (and we write this as people who have made sex toys their careers). But in a safe relationship, suggesting sex toys should not feel any riskier than suggesting plant-based meals twice a week or a family fitness center membership.
Is it possible that your partner might not want to experiment with sex toys? Sure. People like different things. But “no, thank you” is not a rejection of you, and it’s not a judgment of you.
4. Misunderstanding What Sex Toys Are For
Sex toys are toys. That’s all. They’re really fun toys, sometimes really REALLY fun toys, but they are toys. They are not a threat to a healthy relationship, but they are also not a band-aid for a bad relationship.
We need to keep this in mind when we are communicating our desires to our partners. Make sure that they know that they are the most important part of your sex life together, and pleasure products are just that — a product. They aren’t a priority and they aren’t an entity that encroaches on your relationship.
And on the other hand, if there are issues that need to be addressed around your sex life or the rest of your life, address those. Don’t suggest that you need a rabbit vibrator to “fix” them; not only will that not work at all, but both you and your partner will end up projecting all your issues onto the poor bunny (and, see above about baggage).
5. Porn Culture and Unrealistic Expectations
Most scripted porn bears about as much resemblance to real-people sex as Dancing With The Stars does to the chicken dance at a family wedding. We aren’t anti-porn here, but we recognize that it is adult entertainment produced by adult actors, who are cast both for their remarkable features and their remarkable skill at making uncomfortable acts in uncomfortable poses look appealing for the cameras.
Porn is not a realistic representation of human sexuality, and that includes the use of sex toys in porn. Most porn actors will tell you that the sex is choreographed for the audience’s pleasure, not theirs. The same applies when sex toys are added to the dance. Most people don’t take huge dildos without any prep, so don’t think that’s how you’re supposed to do it. And most people don’t climax within seconds of starting up their Magic Wands, so don’t think that’s what’s supposed to happen and be disappointed when it doesn’t.
This site, and many other review sites, are written by real people! It’s a much better way to get your education on sex toys and decide which ones might work best for you.
6. Fear of Losing Intimacy
People have worried for decades that robots are going to take over the world, and there seem to be similar fears around sex toys. Nobody wants their sex to be robotic, and it certainly doesn’t have to be even if pleasure tech is a part of it. Sex is a very human act of connection. Good sex makes people feel connected, and good communication makes people feel connected — and sex toys can very much be a part of both of those!
So, What Should You Do?
Open communication, which includes both speaking and listening, is the best way to approach any new and potentially sensitive topic in your relationship. If your partner is apprehensive about sex toys, really try to understand why — not to argue and prove them “wrong,” but to help you both get to the heart of the issue.
Practically speaking, there are some kinds of sex toys that are less intimidating and more beginner-friendly. Start out with a cute little bullet vibrator instead of a realistic 9” dildo with bulging veins, or a translucent penis stroker instead of a Fleshlight with an opening molded from an adult content creator’s vulva. There’s plenty of time to branch out once you’ve taken the first step.
Happy vibing!
Sandra
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