The 10 Best Non-Penetrative Sex Ideas

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A couple hugging in bed

We have been socially conditioned to think of penetrative intercourse as the definitive sex act. There are a lot of reasons for this and there is weight to some of them — but it leaves out a whole lot of couples who do not have exactly one penis and one vagina, and also couples for whom intercourse is either temporarily or permanently not an option.

I’m Sandra Larson, and I’ve been helping couples learn about passion and intimacy for over a decade now. Let’s talk about the ten best non-penetrative sex ideas that all couples can enjoy.

1. Sensual Massages, With or Without a “Happy Ending”

Skin-to-skin contact is a very powerful way to connect with your partner, and a full-body massage builds connection while releasing tension. This is a lovely combination! Put on your favorite music, light a candle, and warm up some massage oil (Dame has a product that hits two out of three there). Invite your partner to lie down on a clean sheet.

Start out with just one body part, like the shoulders or the legs. If a full-body massage feels like too much, you can just do feet or hands. Take this opportunity to connect and communicate with your partner; it’s just the two of you and you should do whatever feels right in the moment.

A massage can be a very sensual experience, and many couples find themselves finishing with a “happy ending.” Whether you do or not, it’s a great way to enjoy some special time with your partner.

2. Dry Humping Done Right

“Dry humping” may feel like a throwback to teenage days, but it’s also something that adults can indulge in for a change of pace. Rubbing against each other through your clothes is a whole-body experience complete with kissing and touching. You *know* what’s under those clothes but you can’t get at it — that’s a fun kind of frustration!

Focus on each other and your connection while you’re making out and grinding against each other. It’s not just kid stuff any more! We adults can benefit from taking our time and discovering each other in a different way.

3. Oral, Obviously

This is probably the first thing that most people think of when it comes to non-penetrative sex! Most couples enjoy oral sex as part of foreplay, but it can also be a complete act on its own. And if oral is going to be the main event, then it deserves foreplay of its own. Kiss, touch, tease, explore each other’s bodies before moving in for some fantastic orgasms. You can take turns feasting on each other or you can flip around into a “69” position and try to finish simultaneously (this takes practice and communication, but the practicing is fun!).

4. Erotic Role-Play and Storytelling

There’s more to role-play than costumes and props, although those are plenty of fun! But for some of us, the best part about role-playing is creating an entire fantasy. Plus, sometimes it’s easier and more comfortable for your character to voice a particular kink or a preference — role-play and erotic storytelling help you feel free to explore without fear of judgment.

You can start small with just one scene or a few snippets of dialogue. And if you are long-distance lovers (or even if you are not), you can set up a shared Google Document or other collaborative platform to work on your stories together. Be sure that it is password-protected!

5. Temperature Play

Temperature play can be surprisingly sensual. It seems to awaken nerve endings and heighten sensation overall. Start out with something accessible such as warmed massage oil or an ice cube; there are even sex toys that offer heat as an option.

If you are new to temperature play, test everything on your own wrist before applying it to your partner’s body, and start with less sensitive areas like their arms or upper back. All good sex requires good communication, but this is perhaps an area where it is even more important. People can react very differently to temperature play, and you should always have a safe word established in advance.

6. Eye Contact and Breathing Exercises

You might think that this sounds more like yoga than sex, but there are not many acts more intimate than looking deeply into your partner’s eyes and breathing together. This kind of intimacy almost always leads to fantastic sex. Plus, you’re learning to sync your bodies, and that’s another key to fantastic sex.

In fact, the intensity of this kind of intimacy can sometimes feel overwhelming at first. That’s normal, and it’s okay. You can try it for short sessions at first, or you can dim the lights and put on some soft music to tone down the intensity.

7. Dancing, Dirty or Not

The American Journal of Applied Psychology reports that “partner dances, when practiced for recreation, give the dancers more space for pleasure and for expressing their sexuality.” Dancing feels sexy! And it’s good for your body.

What if you don’t think that you’re a good dancer? Put on something slow and wrap yourself around your partner. Swaying together to the music counts as dancing! You don’t need fancy footwork or acrobatic moves.

8. Sensory Deprivation

Our bodies and brains are amazing; if we remove even one sense (sight, sound, etc.) the others become more heightened to compensate. Putting on noise-cancelling headphones or a blindfold can make even the lightest touch feel intense.

Unless you’re experienced in this kind of play, we recommend starting out with blocking only one sense at a time. And you don’t need BDSM gear, either — a sleeping mask or soft scarf is just fine as a blindfold. Satin, velvet, or other soft textures are especially sensual.

9. Bath Time Bliss

Sharing a tub or shower and caring for each other’s bodies is extremely intimate. If your tub/shower does not fit both of you, it’s just as intimate and sensual to take turns bathing each other. Use nicely scented soaps or scrubs, and don’t forget to apply plenty of body lotion afterwards. This is a great way to show your partner just how much you love and appreciate their body.

10. Surprise Love Notes

Making love should be an all-day, every day activity (and we don’t mean ultra-marathon sex sessions). Don’t wait until you’re in bed and the lights are off to start romancing your partner. You can leave little love notes — sweet, sexy, or both — for your partner to find throughout the day. This builds intimacy and anticipation. And if leaving notes doesn’t work for you, you can send texts or voice notes throughout the day as well. This works great if you are in a long-distance relationship.

Happy vibing!

Sandra

Sandra Larson
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