We went into his room and started sloppily making out. His breath tasted like mint chewing gum and smoke, and as his tongue worked its way deeper down my throat, I could feel myself start to get wet in anticipation.
I slowly took off my clothes, watching the bulge in his pants get bigger as he looked at my hard nipples. After we undressed, he looked me in the eyes and said the most alarming query I had ever heard, “Would you like to talk dirty to me?”
I could feel my whole body freeze as if he had just told me it would be sexy if I cut off my arm. And I ended up mumbling something to the likes of “sex good,” “me like,” and I left our mediocre sexual encounter striving to learn about dirty talk so I would never be in that situation again.
I must have taken that vow to heart, as I am currently a confident dirty talker, the facilitator of a class on dirty talk, and a coach for folks looking to become better at sexual communication.
Today, I realize my younger self felt lost when my hookup asked me to talk dirty because I had no idea what it could look like. It was outside my comfort zone.
I had only one long-term partner previously, and the extent of our communication during sex was “Oh ya,” “fuck” and the occasional “You feel so good.” And I had never heard people’s sexual talk in real life, and the only examples of dirty talk game that came to mind came directly from porn.
Simply put, I didn’t relate to the power dynamics in the “fuck you slut take my cock” kind of communication, so I was lost about what my authentic erotic voice could sound like.
Table Of Contents
What Is Dirty Talk?
When we think of dirty talk, we often envision this type of talk common in mainstream porn, which in heterosexual sex usually involves the man being dominant over the woman and essentially calling her names.
There is nothing wrong with enjoying this type of talk, but because it can be so much more than this narrow dynamic, I created a more encompassing definition of sexy talk.
I define dirty talk during sex as:
“Sexually explicit speech or conversation intended to seduce, arouse, communicate or inform a partner about a preference. Dirty talk can happen virtually or in person before, during, or after a sexual encounter, and it can be anywhere from filthy and degrading to sweet and loving.”
Why Is Dirty Talk Hard?
Dirty talk can be difficult because it involves a degree of vulnerability to express something new to a partner. We are often embarrassed about what turns us on or anxious regarding how our partner will react if we open up.
With very few examples of dirty talk, it is hard to assess what typical dirty talk is, and figuring out what a partner may be into is particularly difficult. It seems that the only way to honestly assess a partner’s preferences is communication.
Still, a lot of folks have difficulty communicating about their sex life.
Why Talk Dirty?
Although freaky talk involves a degree of vulnerability to explore, it is WORTH IT!
When we are having sex with someone, we smell them, feel them, taste them, and explore their raw beauty. However, one of the only ways to express the stimulation received through our senses to our partner is through language.
Speaking during sex can help you learn what your partners like. It can turn you on, turn your partners on, and contribute to the dance of seduction. It can be a fun way to ensure sustained consent.
In addition, research confirms this positive effect, with a study on dirty talk finding that it improves sexual function and satisfaction in vagina owners.
How To Talk Dirty: The Basics
Okay, so you’re convinced that a little dirty talk is worth exploring; here are the basics on how to do it properly.
1. Make it specific
What effect is the person you are hooking up with having on you? Do you love the way they look at you? The way their breasts bounce when they are riding your cock? The way their abs penetrate out of their hairy chest? Their shy smile when they look up at you?
Your partner can distinguish between copying words from porn and looking inwards and describing the experience.
So if licking their pussy is making you wet, make the description personal. Instead of saying, “I’m so wet,” express, “You are making me so wet.” Think about what is exciting about being with this specific person doing this activity.
2. Think about Before, During, and After
We often think of dirty talk only occurring during sex, but it can also happen before and even after.
In fact, for those who are shy, having sexual conversations over text can be an excellent way to get a sense of the kind of sex talk to try in person. It’s also a great way to communicate the language you like to ensure sexual encounters are arousing for everybody.
For example, if the person you are texting uses the word pussy to describe their genitals, that’s a good trigger word to use when hooking up IRL.
Debriefing after sex about what worked and what didn’t work can be very helpful to get to know your partner better for the next time around.
I often ask my partner about their best and worst moments during our hookup. You can discuss what trigger words resonated with you and turned you on and what words did not.
As with anything, learning the type of language that will work best takes practice. But through being open, non-judgmental, and communicating, you will figure out what works.
3. Practice
The more you get used to talking during sex, the more naturally it will come.
I often suggest that if you are feeling shy, you can begin by talking during masturbation. I know it sounds odd, but it can be an arousing time with yourself and help you gain the confidence to communicate during sex.
It can also be a helpful way to explore the type of language you find arousing. Studies show that the receiver of dirty talk is often more turned on than the talker [1], and by talking to yourself, you can learn more about what turns you on so you can ask for it in the future.
4. Ask your partner what they like
This point may seem obvious, but a surprising number of folks will try talking naughty without first asking their partner what it could look like. Before engaging with a partner, ask them what they like.
Do they prefer sweet-loving talk or more derogatory language? Or do they prefer to be more dominant or submissive or neither? Do they like the body part words boobs, breasts, or little titties?
Being called something they don’t resonate with can take someone out of the moment, so talking about it first is essential to ensure consent and enjoyment. If your partner is unsure what they like, you can take it slow and experiment with different types of language to see what words turn them on.
How To Talk Dirty: Specific Examples
There are several specific ways you can talk dirty during sex. Recently, I was featured on a podcast called Intellectual Erection about dirty talk and based many examples below from the episode. Please check it out to dig deeper into the science and add it to your repertoire.
Let’s break it down.
1. Instructive/Commands
When engaging in instructive dirty talk, you tell a partner what you want them to do to you.
For example, “I want you to get down on your knees and lick my pussy until I tell you to stop.” Or “bend over and tell me how much you want to feel me inside you.”
2. Description
This advice is to go back to English class, engage your senses, and describe what is happening.
Do you love the way her mascara drips down her face as she sucks your cock? Or do you love how hard they get when they touch your nipples? Do you love the way the nipple clamps make their faces twitch with excitement?
3. Positive Feedback/Compliments
Tell them what you are enjoying about being with them. Do you love the way they are slowly licking your cock and looking up at you with their big green eyes? Do you love how deep their cock feels inside you?
We all enjoy compliments, so telling our partner what about them turns you on can be great dirty talking. For less vocal folks, moaning or saying something as simple as “Fuck Yes” can be a huge turn-on.
4. Speaking about Fantasies
Exploring desires and fantasies during sex can be hot.
For example, is your partner aroused by the idea of being at an orgy? Play with them or fuck them while describing a situation where the whole room is watching.
Are you into being double penetrated? Use a dildo during penetration and explore the fantasy of having two cocks inside in the doggy-style position.
5. Power play
Many people are turned on by dominance and submission. After discussing boundaries, it can be an enjoyable one to explore!
Getting into the dynamics of power play would require an entire article, if not a complete book.
Still, to be brief, it can include consensual name-calling (take my pussy, you dirty slut, who’s my sex toy?), Edge play (I want you to get right to the edge, but don’t you dare fucking go over), and instructions (be a good slut and put your finger in my ass while you lick my pussy).
6. Lovey-Dovey Talk
For some folks, the most arousing thing is to look them in the eyes and tell them how much you love them. Express how beautiful they are. How lucky you are to be making love to them. How your souls are connected.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with this type of erotic talk, and if an emotional connection turns you on – this sexual energy is something to explore with your partner.
Final Words
Dirty talk can be an exciting component of hookups – but you mustn’t let performance take over pleasure. Some people love having almost constant intellectual stimulation during sexy times, and for some, talking nasty will take away from their ability to enjoy the sensations they are experiencing.
Some folks enjoy complex role-play, while others are satisfied with the occasional “harder” and “fuck, you feel so good.”
There is nothing wrong with any of these methods of verbal play, but it is through being non-judgmental, experimental, and open that you can figure out the type of dirty talk that works for you.
Niki Davis-Fainbloom
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