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We are aware that many couples (who have sex!) find talking about sex and sex toys to be awkward. However, communication is the most important thing that you can do with your mouth when it comes to sex.
We’ve been in this business for a decade now, helping couples to enhance their intimacy through the use of sex toys and, more importantly, through communication around sex toys, sex, and relationships.
Several studies over the past ten years or so have established that using sex toys together improves not only sexual satisfaction but also relationship satisfaction. In one particularly interesting one from the University of Guelph, researchers instructed couples to incorporate sex toys into their sex life and report back:
The majority of men (75.5%) and women (79.5%) perceived that their sexual relationship satisfaction had improved as a result of participating in the intervention. Seven themes were developed to describe the ways that satisfaction increased over the course of the study: (1) introducing something fun and novel; (2) giving and receiving pleasure; (3) relating and communicating; (4) making time and space in one’s relationship for sex and pleasure; (5) increasing emotional closeness; (6) increasing women’s comfort with sex; and (7) validating strengths and barriers within the relationship.
So how should you get started? Read on!
Table Of Contents
Breaking the Ice Together
If you haven’t used sex toys as a couple, it can be fun as well as enlightening to read reviews (we have plenty!) together and do some window-shopping. Talking about what pleasure products you might want to try can open up new avenues of discussion. You’ll learn a lot about your partner, and about yourself as well! This is a great way to jump-start both your sex life and your couples’ conversation; sometimes we need to remember that there’s more to talk about than scheduling, grocery lists, and whose turn it is to walk the dog.
Communication as Well as Vibration
Shopping for sex toys together sparks conversation, and playing with them together does so even more! You can open the plain brown wrapper together, share your thoughts (it’s fine if you feel both excitement and apprehension!), and plan a date.
If you are concerned that your first venture into pleasure products may be awkward… well, yes, that is a possibility. We’re not going to lie to you. But the thing is, you’re in this together. Erections and orgasms are awesome, but so is shared laughter. And if you don’t see stars the first time, there’s always a next time (if you want one).
Either way, you should be checking in with each other as you navigate this new experience. Then talk about what went well, what could have gone better, and what you might want to try next.
Aftercare is not just about the physical; if this is the first time that you have played with sex toys together, you might have some feelings ranging from “why haven’t we done this before?” to “can we do this every time?” to “do we have to do this every time?” All of those are very valid questions and that is why they should be voiced and discussed.
Jealousy and Insecurity?
Some people (of all genders) do feel threatened if their partners enjoy sex toys or want to try them. That can be a very human reaction. If your partner is passionate about her new rabbit vibrator, you may wonder how your human penis stacks up.
Here’s the thing. No, you can’t vibrate at 5000 RPM and you don’t have cleverly placed ears on your shaft. (Substitute: you can’t adjust suction with a button, and your internal texture is not ribbed and studded.) That’s okay! Sex with sex toys is physically intense, but sex with human partners is safe, sweet, sensual, shared, intimate, AND physically intense.
When Sex Toys Save the Day
There are seasons in all relationships, and some of those seasons include less partnered sex than others. This can be due to situational stress, schedules that never match up, mismatched libidos, or physical limitations. All of these can be either temporary or permanent, but they can affect both partners in a relationship: the partner who wants more sex feels rejected, and the partner who wants less feels guilty or overwhelmed or both. The issues around physical intimacy often grow into issues around emotional intimacy as well.
Assuming that you are both committed to making the relationship work, sex toys are a great option for the partner who wants more sexual attention and release. The couple can decide whether to set aside time for solo play, or whether they want to play together. A penis sleeve can help a person with erectile issues penetrate their partner, for example. Or the partner who is less interested in sex can simply share the experience; this can fill the need for intimacy as well as orgasms.
Sex Toys Can Spark More Sex Play
Some people are concerned that introducing sex toys in a relationship will lead to less partnered sex, but we’ve actually found the opposite to be true — and research backs that up. Couples who incorporate sex toys into their partnered sex lives have more sex, better sex, and even higher life satisfaction overall. This seems like a pretty good deal!
Some folks are embarrassed or even ashamed to acknowledge to their partners that they masturbate even in a healthy, fulfilling relationship. You shouldn’t be. Masturbation has proven health benefits: it reduces stress, improves sleep, improves self-esteem and body image, strengthens muscle tone, and reduces pain (especially menstrual cramps). Masturbation is truly a form of self-care and as such, we should own it proudly.
Solo play, especially with sex toys, can feel very intense. Nobody knows your body the way that you do, and no other person can be as responsive to your desires as you are. But when you let your partner into your solo world, it becomes even more intense because you are sharing a very personal part of yourself.
High-Tech, High-Touch
Pleasure tech becomes more sophisticated every day; sex toys are now Bluetooth-enabled, AI-assisted, and able to sync to virtual reality. But we can — and should — control this tech instead of letting it control us.
If our sex toys are automated enough that we can use them hands-free, this leaves our hands free to touch and tease and caress our partners. And if they can connect wirelessly, like the Lovense Lush 4, then they can connect to a partner who is on a business trip or even living in another country.
Getting Started
Especially when you are starting out with sex toys as a couple, it’s usually a good idea to start small. Literally. We mean small toys such as bullet vibrators, cock rings, clit suckers, and the like. Sex toys like these don’t look intimidating, and they don’t get in the way so you can still enjoy plenty of physical contact with your partner.
Also, most of these toys are not crafted with anatomical features; some partners are more comfortable with pastel silicone in abstract shapes as opposed to a giant veiny replica of a penis or a stroker with an orifice modeled after an adult content creator.
Shop together, and decide on toys that you’ll both feel good about bringing into bed with you. There’s always room to branch out later if and when you are interested in doing that.
Final Thoughts
If you’re reading this article, you’re interested in sex toys. Maybe you are completely new to this side of life, or maybe you’ve played before and want to bring toys into your relationship. We are obviously big fans of sex toys in general, but we also believe (with good research and good reason) that pleasure products can improve both the sexual and non-sexual aspects of a relationship. Intimacy shared is intimacy squared.
Happy vibing!
Maggie
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