Cuckquean Guide: Beginner Tips & Safety

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Are you, or do you want to be, a cuckquean or a cuckcake? Or do you just want to find out what these funny words mean?

When a woman in a relationship with a man finds it arousing for her male partner to have sex with another woman, she’s playing the role of a cuckquean. The other woman in the scenario is the cuckcake. Keep reading to learn more about this lifestyle!

What Is a Cuckquean?

As we explained above, a cuckquean is a woman who is partnered with a man and enjoys seeing that man have sex with other women. It’s the gender-swapped version of “cuckold.” The word dates back to at least 1562, when it appeared in The Proverbs and Epigrams of John Heywood. The English language adopted “cuck” from the Old French word “cucuault” about 300 years before that, and “cwene” came from proto-Indo-European and proto-Germanic roots via Middle English. It means “woman,” but it often has a somewhat negative connotation.

In practice, there are a few different types of cuckqueans:

Participatory cuckquean: You don’t just want to watch your man with another woman — you want to be part of the action! A participatory cuckquean may also have sex with the other woman, or both women can focus on the lucky man.
Voyeuristic cuckquean: You also want to watch your man enjoying sex with another woman, but you do *not* want to participate, at least not directly. You may want to direct the action, or you may just want to enjoy the show.
Full cuckquean: You want to watch but you don’t want to be involved in any way. You give up all control over the situation, and being a passenger on this ride is part of the appeal.
Submissive cuckquean: Similar to the full cuckquean, you enjoy relinquishing control here. Your partner dominates the action, and he may tease and/or humiliate you as part of this encounter. If you aren’t sure if you are comfortable with this level of submission, you can read about what it’s like to be a submissive wife.

As always, there’s no right way to do kink or live the lifestyle. We’ve shared some of the most common cuckquean dynamics, but you and your partner (and the cuckcake) should work out what works best for all involved!

Why Cuckqueaning?

We’re going to be completely honest here: if you’re asking this question, this kind of play may not be for you, and that’s completely okay! People do this because they find it exciting and arousing. That’s the only valid reason. Don’t let yourself be pressured into any dynamic that doesn’t feel exciting and arousing and safe.

For the folks who are into it, cuckqueaning can be both exciting and empowering. Breaking through barriers and being completely open and honest with each other can make an already good relationship even stronger. It’s also a way for both partners to explore their sexuality and experience pleasure in different ways.

Cuckqueaning is not cheating. Cheating is when one partner violates the other partner’s trust. Cuckqueaning is something that partners do together. We recommend that partners discuss expectations and boundaries well in advance, and as long as those are upheld, there’s no violation of trust and therefore no cheating.

How to Become a Cuckquean?

If you want to be a cuckquean, the first thing you need is a willing partner (and then a willing third — more on that later). Society would have us believe that all men are eager to have sex with as many women as possible, but that’s not always the case. It’s important to make sure that everyone is on board, and for the right reasons.

1. Talk to Your Partner

The first step in this journey should be an honest discussion with your partner. Share your fantasy — and your fears — and invite him to share his. Unless you’ve had this talk before, don’t assume that you know what he wants. Be genuinely open to what he has to say, even if it’s not what you want to hear. Some men may feel that *not* jumping at this chance makes them somehow less manly, but just like you shouldn’t participate in any fetish that you are not 100% comfortable with, he shouldn’t either.

This may be a big change in your relationship, and it deserves respect. You don’t have to make a decision or any plans the first time you broach the subject; you can both sit with it and pick it back up in a day or two.

2. Do Your Research

If you’ve decided that this is a go, or at least not a no, you should both start doing some research. As we laid out above, there are at least a few different ways to play with the cuckquean idea and you’ll want to be sure that you’re on the same page.

If you’re both comfortable with it, you could watch some cuckquean content to get an idea how some of the scenarios play out in real life (keeping in mind that what you’re watching was probably scripted or at least edited). There are also articles, blogs, and online communities where you can read about real people’s lived experiences. You’ll probably both have a lot of questions, and this may give you a framework to address some of them.

3. Browse Dating Sites

If the two of you are on board, it’s time to find a third. Conventional dating can be hard enough, but dating as a couple is like playing on hard mode. You’ll probably want to consider online dating sites, because it may be uncomfortable or awkward to approach people you already know.

Luckily, there are plenty of platforms where you can browse profiles or put up your own. Conventional dating sites such as Tinder and OKCupid are primarily for conventional dating, but they are worth a try because they have enormous reach. Kink and sex-focused sites like Feeld, FetLife, and AdultFriendFinder have much smaller databases, but you can feel confident that you won’t be digitally slapped in the face for suggesting cuckquean play (people can say no, of course, but they won’t be surprised in the same way that someone on OKCupid might be).

Be honest with any potential partners. It’s better that they say no while you’re still messaging than be surprised when two of you show up for the first date! Make sure that everyone knows what to expect, and screen for compatibility as well as physical attractiveness and willingness. Even if you expect this to be primarily a play date, you still need to be able to connect and communicate.

4. Define the Rules

Establishing clear boundaries and expectations is the key to success here. This applies both to your relationship with your partner, and also to the relationship between you as a couple and your third.

We wrote above that cuckquean play is not cheating as long as all boundaries are respected, and it’s up to you and your partner to set very clear boundaries together. It’s important for you to feel included to whatever degree you want to be, and it’s important for your partner to understand the line between mutual play and cheating. Many couples find that this line has less to do with physical interaction and more with what feels like relationship-building; for instance, if he texts a thank-you the next morning.

As far as the physical interaction, many of the same rules apply whether there are two of you or three. Will you need to use condoms and otherwise practice safer sex (we hope that the answer is yes!)? Are there any hard “no”s like anal penetration, swallowing semen, etc.?

We also recommend establishing a safe word. If that word comes out — from any of the three of you — all action stops immediately while you reassess, regroup, and possibly resume.

5. Meet in Public First

This is for everyone’s safety. You want to get to know each other in a low-stakes, non-sexual setting; some folks call this a “vibe check.” You want to see if you all feel comfortable with each other without the unspoken pressure that comes with meeting up in a hotel bedroom. In fact, it’s a good idea to make a promise that there will be nothing physical at this first meeting.

You and your partner can decide together if this is someone who you want to go forward with. This is another reason why you should agree not to do anything on the first “date”. It’s very possible that you and your partner may have different reactions to your potential cuckcake, and it is much less awkward to discuss them on your couch at home instead of in awkward whispers when your third heads to the restroom.

If you do decide to make another date, we recommend a neutral setting like a hotel room. You’ll all be on equal footing there. It’s already intimidating for a third to be dating an established couple, and even more so when she’s in their home. A hotel room is also safer for everyone involved, and this means that you’ll all be more able to relax and enjoy yourselves.

6. Practice Safer Sex

Safer sex means STI tests and condoms and contraception, of course, but it means more than that. Safer sex is about respecting everyone’s health and well-being, and our brains and hearts are part of that.

Make sure that everyone is on the same page about what this encounter means and doesn’t mean, and what’s expected of everyone both before and after. Check in with each other — all three of you — frequently and observe both verbal and non-verbal cues. Your relationship with your partner may be your priority, and that’s understandable, but your third is a full and equal participant here.

7. Aftercare All Around

This is the time to make sure that everyone feels good about what happened, whether or not you intend to make it happen again. It’s also time to reconnect and reflect with your partner when you get home. Share your thoughts about what you enjoyed, what you were surprised by, and what you might want to do differently next time, if there will be a next time.

Benefits and Risks of Cuckquean Play

Every couple, and every throuple, has different dynamics, so the benefits and risks will be different too. But some important takeaways include:

Fulfilling a Fantasy: If you have always wanted to watch your partner with another woman, you just may get the chance to live the dream. Checking a mark off your bucket list always feels good.
Front-Row Seat: Not everyone gets their own personal sex show, let alone one that stars a person they love. Enjoy!
New View of Your Partner: And we don’t just mean physically. You get the opportunity to see your partner’s vulnerability and openness without the lens of your own interaction.

Of course, there’s no guarantee that it will all be roses. A few things to look out for are:

Jealousy: You wanted to do this, you thought that you could handle it, but you find yourself feeling jealous and insecure. That’s okay! It happens. And this is why we encourage open communication both before and after the encounter. It’s okay to ask your partner for reassurance, and it’s even okay to tell your partner that you don’t want to do this again. (It’s not okay to hold him responsible for your feelings. You need to own that you were a willing participant and he didn’t do anything wrong.)
Health Worries: Even if you did all the right things as far as safer sex, you may still be concerned. This is normal, especially if you’ve been in a long-term monogamous relationship. You can always get an STI panel done, either through your regular health care provider or a sexual health clinic like Planned Parenthood. You do not need to explain or justify why you want to be tested.

Maggie

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Maggie Hart

Maggie Hart has written about sexual well-being and sexuality in society for quite a few years now. She is active in communities that celebrate sex for older adults.