How To Talk To Your Partner About A Fetish

A couple talking

When I was younger, a hookup bud was rubbing two inches from my clitoris, and it took all my confidence to tell him my clitoris was a bit lower. While that conversation was awkward, it’s much more difficult to share a specific sexual desire that’s less common without knowing how that person will respond.

What if your dream is to be fucked while a snake climbs on you? Or what if you want your partner to pretend to be younger while you fuck them? How do you talk to your partner about a fetish?!

Finding your sexual voice can be difficult. The voice knows what you want and can communicate that clearly and confidently. In this article, we will explore how to share your less common desires with a partner. We will also explore some alternatives if your partner isn’t interested in exploring your sexual preferences with you.

Bring It Up In A Non-Sexual Setting

If you have a fetish you want to explore, it’s best to bring it up in a non-sexual scenario. That way, your partner will have time to think about what you are bringing up without feeling pressured to immediately engage in a behavior.

I suggest asking your partner if they would like to schedule a time to talk about sex and only then describe your fetish instead of making an unexpected move or asking them during sex.


Think It Out

Before bringing up a fetish to a partner, it’s helpful to spend time thinking about how you would be interested in exploring this fetish.

For example, say you have realized you find the concept of worshipping your partner’s feet sexy and exciting. What does foot worship mean to you? Would you like your partner to give you a footjob? Would you like to lick their feet or high heels during sex? Do you want to watch foot porn with your partner while you have sex?

A man thinking about feet

Before talking to your partner, come up with a plan so you can communicate clearly about your kinks and fetishes and how you would be interested in exploring them.

For example, say you want to explore dominance. It can mean so many things, and narrowing it down will help your partner better understand what you are imagining.

Do you want to choke your partner? Are you interested in orgasm control? Do you want them to call you Daddy? Think it out because it will be hard for your partner to decide if they are interested without knowing what you’re talking about.


Take It Slow

When exploring a fetish – you don’t need to go all-in right away. As with anything new, taking it slow is the best way to limit potential harm.

Say you want to explore group sex. A fun first step could be watching porn that shows group sex and discussing what parts you find sexy and where your boundaries would be. You can also engage in role play where you pretend someone else is there – what would you want them to do?

It’s only after a lot of communication and exploration that it makes sense to begin searching for a real-life group sex situation.


Create A Safe Word

Creating a word or action that communicates you are uncomfortable can be helpful when exploring new territory. It can be something ridiculous like watermelon or something more explicit like stop.

Both parties must know that they can stop an encounter at any point without any negative repercussions, and creating a safe word is one way to verbalize that.


Ask Them What They Are Into

Say your partner isn’t particularly turned on by farts or whatever your fetish is, but they are open to exploring it with you.

Although some would disagree, I don’t think there is anything inherently wrong with this scenario. If they could eat some beans, fart on you, and make your day – that may be perfectly fine.

A couple having a discussion.

However, if your partner is open to exploring something for your pleasure, you must ask if you can do anything for them. Quid pro quo, bro! If they are willing to explore something because it turns you on, it would be nice if you could reciprocate.

Don’t make the conversation about desires and fetishes all about you – ask your partner if there is something they have always wanted to do. What do they think about when they pleasure themselves? How can you make their sex life better?


Bring Educational Material

For some folks walking into a discussion with some educational material can be helpful. You are the best judge regarding if your partner is one of these kinky people or not!

For example, you could find porn that shows your fetish so you can show your partner what you are into. You can also bring some information about your fetish. For example, find research showing how common a foot fetish is or some information about the psychology of BDSM and what about it excites you.


What If Your Partner Isn’t Down?

There’s always the risk that when you disclose your desires to a partner, they will not be interested in exploring your fetish.

Firstly, it doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you or your desire. We still live in a world that can be very sex-negative, and some folks are more open than others.

Regardless, it’s imperative you respect your partner’s boundaries and not push them. If they give you a hard no, accept that and don’t bring it up again. And if they sound unsure, give them some time to think about it and give them as much information as you can to help them think it through.

If you receive a hard no – you have a few options for proceeding with your sexual fantasies.

Some secret kinks are totally fine to explore without a partner. For example, if the idea of gang bangs turns you on but your partner isn’t into the idea, you can continue to fantasize about it and watch gang bang porn.

For some, this may be enough. You could even set up a situation where you go to a sex party where you can see a gangbang live or pay a cam girl to tell you about what it feels like to have all of their holes filled.

If that is enough exploration for you, that is fine.

It gets complicated when you feel your fetish is crucial for you to explore in person, but your partner isn’t down. One option is to talk to your partner about exploring your fetish without them. If you are turned on by farts (AKA fart fetishism) and your partner doesn’t feel comfortable farting around you – perhaps they would not mind if you found someone interested in exploring this with you.

If you and your partner can agree, it’s important to define boundaries. For example, if you decide getting farted on is ok – what about making out with that person or having sex? Also, if you are permitted to explore your unusual fetish with other folks – will that impact your partner’s freedom?

Some folks have been monogamous and explored being open only for fetish exploration, whereas others have found a more open relationship works better for incorporating fetish exploration.

For some, a fetish incompatibility can lead to the end of their relationship. For example, if you realize you are a sub and this is a dynamic you want to explore – and you learn your partner isn’t kinky or also a sub – it can be a big problem.

When talking to your partner, it’s essential to express how important this fetish is to you. Is this a passing thought or a necessary part of yourself?


What If My Partner Shames Me?

If your partner shames you or makes you feel bad for your desire – it’s a big problem. As long as you are not harming anybody – nothing is wrong with being turned on by anything. However, if your partner yucks your yum – I suggest expressing how their response made you feel.

I had a friend who told his partner that he was into piss play, and her response was, “eww.”

That response is appalling. It’s an example of how as a society, we have a lot to learn in becoming an accepting sex-positive culture. It means nothing about you. If your partner cannot understand – perhaps you are not a good match.

I know talking about desires is difficult – but for many folks, starting a discussion about fetishes can be a significant step toward sexual exploration and fulfillment. So walk into the debate without shame and with a clear understanding of how you feel and what you are interested in experimenting with.

Happy exploring!


Niki Davis-Fainbloom
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