What is mindful sex? It’s a question I hear often and one that’s easy to explain but somehow difficult to understand.
I could joke that mindful sex is about “thinking about sex.” Which is kind of true–– mindful sex is thinking. It’s thinking about being present and in the moment when you are having sex. Once you understand the concept, it becomes less about thinking and more about feeling. It’s about being aware of how your body feels when you have sex and the energy flow.
Mindful sex is nothing new––it has its roots in Tantra and has been around for millennia, and it’s something we practice unconsciously at the beginning of a new relationship.
Remember when you first fall in love, what we sometimes call the honeymoon phase. Your bodies connect in full sensory mode, and you’re fully aware of all physical sensations – the touch of their skin, the smell of their neck, what a kiss feels like. And that was before you even had sex.
But over time, you slip into a routine. You become distracted by the pattern of your day-to-day lives. The honeymoon phase is over, and you’re less present.
So how do you get back to being present during sex?
It’s what mindfulness sex is about—practicing being present and aware of every physical sensation during sex like you did initially.
So let’s expand our minds and take a deep dive into transcendent sex. But before I share about how to have mindful sex, let me explain its benefits.
Benefits Of Mindful Sex
The list of benefits of mindful sex is endless but let’s talk about the basics––our health.
Mindful sexuality is good for our health because it can:
- Increase your energy levels;
- Lower your blood pressure and;
- Help to relieve stress.
You may experience better sleeping patterns and a reduction in physical pain. You may become more fulfilled in intimate relationships and communicate better with your partner. And let’s not forget you might see increased sexual arousal and mind-blowing sex.
A Step-By-Step Guide For Beginners Into Mindful Sex
It’s part of our nature to have sex and create life. But sex also gives us physical pleasure because it makes us feel good.
Practicing mindfulness daily allows us to open ourselves up to a higher level of sexual pleasure. So how do you do that? Let’s look at some mindfulness techniques.
1. Incorporate mindfulness into your daily life
The key to mindfulness is to become aware of our feelings in a given moment. This practice needs to be part of your daily routine.
Incorporate mindfulness even while doing boring everyday activities. Start paying attention to how you feel and how your body reacts in different moments.
When you brush your teeth, be aware of how the toothpaste tastes and what the brush feels like in your mouth. How does the soap feel when you lather it on your hands in the shower? Does it feel slippery? What does it feel like moving your hands up and down your body? Is it pleasurable?
It is a good start.
2. Get rid of the pressure to perform in bed
Everywhere we look, there are images of sexual encounters to entice us, and it makes us question how we are supposed to look, feel, or act. The pressure to perform, to be good at sex, is all that matters.
The sexual encounter becomes influenced by the mind. We ask ourselves questions such as, am I doing it right? Is my partner enjoying themselves? What are they thinking of? We believe if we don’t have an orgasm, something must be wrong.
We become goal-oriented and start concentrating on our performance, with the prize being an orgasm.
Transcendental sex is about having a deep and meaningful connection with yourself and the person you are with that’s not outcome-oriented. It’s about being in tune with your body.
When you are dedicated to being present during sex, your body opens to receiving signals and sensing the flow of sexual energy. It’s no longer about the performance or the act of having sex. It’s about “being” vulnerable, open, joyful, and ecstatic. (Please read my article on how to control sexual energy.)
3. Train yourself to focus
You must train yourself to focus on being present. You can start by concentrating on something within your body you can feel when having sex, like your breath.
When you focus on breathing, you slow down your conscious mind and relax. Your energy is refocused on being in the present moment. By focusing on your breath, you become more aware of your body and receive a different type of pleasure–not just physical but also sensory.
To focus, remove all distractions. Turn off your phones and make sure that your kids are asleep.
There’s something we learn as tantra teachers that nobody tells you. We use a red object the size of a ping-pong ball and gaze at it for a very long time. If the teacher sees us losing focus, we are warned. We practice becoming aware of when our minds wander.
Do the same. Train yourself to focus using a small red ball. You can do it by yourself or with your partner.
4. Set a time for mindful sex
Set aside at least two hours when you and your partner can be together. While men are wired to constantly hunt for sex, women usually need more time to warm up to sex than men. There’s that endless list of things to do in our brains.
If you allow enough time for the woman to fully relax, the overall sexual experience will be enjoyed by both.
5. Use non-verbal communication
Now it’s time for you and your partner to have a conversation about sex that doesn’t involve a lot of words.
Start by sitting across from one another and looking at each other. You do this to signal your intention to be aware and focus on each moment. Get comfortable, relax your body, and take deep, slow breaths. Deep breathing increases the blood flow throughout your body and into your genitals.
At first, you will probably laugh at each other, but that’s OK. If you’re laughing, you’re not stressed; when you are not stressed, you are more present in your body.
6. It’s time for action
Engage in kissing and some light foreplay. Now is an excellent time for the man to insert his soft penis into the woman. Use some lubrication to help ease into her.
It might feel weird at first but just go for it.
Thrusts should start very slowly and build up gradually. Your breathing should have synchronized into a rhythm with your partner. Keep your eyes open and look at your partner. It will keep you connected and fully present. When we close our eyes, it’s like closing the curtains to our brains.
It allows us to drift off into our fantasy, but we want to stay present.
When you both become more stimulated and aroused, practice edging. It is when you are close to climax but then back off. You can also try a lingam massage.
Enjoy being in the here and now with your partner. When you are ready to orgasm, don’t fight it, but embrace it wholly, fully with feeling.
If You Want To Know More About Mindful Sex
There are plenty of good books about mindfulness and sex, and here is my selection.
Mindfulness and Intimacy – by Ben Connelly
In his book, Ben Connelly teaches us to deepen our connections by seeing ourselves as non-separate. He explains the basics of mindfulness and why it is essential nowadays. This book contains meditations and exercises to improve mindfulness in physical intimacy.
Better Sex Through Mindfulness: How Women Can Cultivate Desire – by Lori A. Brotto and Emily Nagoski
This book has been featured in the New York Times and Women’s Health. The focus is on helping women enjoy sex and cultivating sexual desire. The authors share several case studies about women who have healed over the last few years. They also provide exercises you can do on your own to increase sexual satisfaction and arousal.
Passion and Presence: A Couple’s Guide to Awakened Intimacy and Mindful Sex – by Maci Daye
In this book, Maci Da talks about patterns in most romantic relationships. She shares a path that leads to better intimacy and connection with the self and the partner. She sees problems with arousal and desire as an opportunity for growth, creativity, and compassion.
***
It’s part of our nature to have sex and create life. But we also have sex to give us pleasure since it makes us feel good.
Sure, you could spice up your sex life with a few toys or new tantric positions. But remember, we have been conditioned to always have the same goal when having sex––to reach a climax. We need to take the focus off the goal of orgasm and back to basics.
We need to become more present during sex to have a more healthy sex life. It’s what mindfulness love is about.
Hakima
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